ok… i’m jsut going to take the risk of sounding like an adolescent, angst ridden, ‘you stood on my freakin’ foot’ 17 year old girl.

this time i am gonig to learn my freakin’ lesson and actually quit. i will not lift a finger, move a muscle or rasie my eyebrow so much even so as to suggest that i might be available to do anything for their sorry asses.

there is obviously something missing in the 3D representation of my personality which makes me seem moronic or uninteresting or somewhat orc-like, that the tendency of madern Christ-like man is to simply give me a set of equated tasks and say go to. it seems unequivocably ridiculous to suggest that i have been ‘fired’ from that ministry area to which i gave so much strength, passion, energy, knowledge and willingness to committ and grow longterm, but that i remain suitable for minsitry in stacking chairs, running cable and generally tidying. they like the fact that they can use my art, and seem to think that i should be appeased that they consider that to be a forte or a strength. i am so tired and frustrated.. it’s unbelievable to think that i have been waiting on this youth ministry endeavour for 5 years now, absorbing and practising at every opportunity. and now i am a chair stacker. i set up fort he talented ones so that they can give glory to God in song and I can give glory to God in service. kiss my ass… to coin a phrase.

there is this cheesy little song playing on the radio at the moment… with this classic cheesy chorus line. “why do you see right through me.. and it’s pathetic but it seems to fit the bill. people are surprised to think that i would move on from where i am simply because i can’t do youth ministry. of course it’s so much more than that but yes, i would and will move in order to remian faithful to that calling. it amazes me that people can expect to sit around with all this burning passion and energy for young people and somehow redirect that. the only place it would get redirected inot would be back into worship leading.. but there is even less opportunity for that at Shore than there is youth ministry. more song refrain….

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken

Don’t I make you laugh? Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me

I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break

I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough

I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken

Don’t I make you laugh? Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real

I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees

I hope, I stand, I take it like a man

I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken

Don’t I make you laugh? Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

Why do you see, why do you see

Why do you see right through me

oh the world is full of bollocks really.. and today i am jsut grunty, pissed off and angsty. and really… this is jsut so typical.

the thing that makes it so hilarious is that they all put on their kid gloves and try and handle me with cotton wool as if i am about to explode.. yet i’m jsut sitting here with relative resignation and comtemplation… i have seen this so many times… hello i’ve been working for church and youth consultants for how many years?? hello people.. i have more experience than they do at this stuff. at least if they were going to screw me they might have asked me how to do it. then at least they might have done it well.

t: oh, you wanna screw with me?

sccc: well, i mean, yeah if you dont’ mind.

t: well, let’s be honest, i’d rather that you didn’t… but if you insist on going ahead… then um.. look do it up against the wall, quick and brutal. yeah, cheers.

(ok… i must be really bunchy today.. i’m not normally so graphic.)

maybe that is the problem = i am jsut too much. i got an email form the senior pastors wife asking me to not leave Shore… which shows a heck of a lot of presumption going on considering that i haven’t actually told anyone in any public role or forum that i’m considering it… she said and i quote “tash, yuo’re so young and you have so much potential.. sometimes i think too much.’ even my mohter (and it must be true from her, because she never compliments my anything…) has said that i am to ointelligent and intimidating – not through any fault of my own, but because my perception levels are so high. i’m too comfortable with confrontation because i know and believe and have seen it achieve so many positive steps towards progress when done well . Christians are just so afraid of honesty. it’s like we are afraid that we won’t be tactful enough to demonstrate grace and so we refrain entirely. but Paul was never reluctant to speak truth… and in the First Church we were so hungry for truth and so hungry for character development that we never shunned it. i think therein lies the problem… well one of. if only i was graceful or seemly, if displayed more care and softness in my demeanour. i seem to manage okay in most of my other relationships (back me up here dani) … beng relatively considerate of others..

so i’m pissed off. that they wish to handle me like a business transaction – what can we use this resource for, and stuff whether or not she needs some maintenance or an upgrade… i used to swear that i would never get involved in a church like this again – unbelievable the amount communication mishap and bungling we are going through over this one little thing, where it turns out (so they say) that what they said isn’t actually what they meant.

well… back to the graphical nature of the beast… screw you too, mate. there are too many places that are desperate for people with an inch of talent, an atom of energy and commitment to devote themselves to God’s work in the Kingdom… i dont see why i should i should sacrifice myself on the altar to make them feel better. but then it pisses me off to be the one that has to go. i have commited so much time to making SCCC my family – my whanau… that i think no, bugger it… you guys can change – you can learn to grow and develop. Like a family that will not accept homosexuals as people until all of a sudden their son or daughter is one. (that’s not a nature vs nurture argument, by the way). jsut saying that if the concept of a strong, dedicated, intelligent, educated female pastor terrifies them so much maybe this is jsut a good opportunity for them to get some balls and be bold enough to face it. no matter where i look.. and i should know having spent so much time facing this argument… i cannot find substantial Biblical argument for why i as a single woman, could NOT serve a a pastor to youth. and i think that is the crisis that they are trying to avoid. heaven forbid that we place a woman into a leadership position where we are unsure of her ability to be submissive. well if they had taken five minutes to talk to me i think they would’ve been surprised… instead they are assuming that i am like an enraged bull in a china store — they underestimate my knowledge, experience and my understanding of the male Christian brain. it’s taken 6 weeks of their bullshit for me to become enraged.

and all this is outside of the purpose and point that God revealed when i met wiht wok and sue. that the point of this is nothing…. learn to do nothing, learn to be who i am instead of what i do. all SCCC people can talk about is opportunities to prove myself to them again… when God’s point is that i learn that I don’t need to prove myself.

that is nearly impossible. all i want to do is scream and shout … i am sooo flammable with rage even. it makes me want to scream and shout and argue. to be rabid even. i want to go three rounds in the ring with each and every one of them and give them the opportunity to say to my face what they said behind my back in those meetings. their own hypocrisy would slay them before i even had to lay a finger on them. and that’s the whole pouint – how they can’t look me in the eye, how they jump whenever i grab their attention… how they skirmish and flitter… it’s almost laughable. it’s like a black comedy. i’d almost like to cause some grevious harm to myself jsut to watch them turn pale and have to change their pants at teh concept. but my pride and dignity won’t allow them to imagine that they have caused me this hurt.

ok.. i need to stop now. i’m getting more and more worked up.

last night sucked. i am a person, dammit. not a tool, not a resource bank, not a machine. i am going through absolute shit, finding myself without meaning and purpose, crying myself to sleep each night because i feel so lost and cast out into space. i am a refugee. i am without a spiritual family. i am without a home.

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