ok, so i know tht i am a complete slack ass. i do know this. it’s not news to me. i jsut couldn’t think of anything intersting to say about my life or the universe or the world around me so i didn’t say anything for the past two days.

TUESDAY

i worked. blah blah blah. i surfed the net and found mostly non-interesting stuff. i tried to not think about monday night’s conversations regarding simon’s animalistic behaviours. i desperately want to think the best of him and assume that rob is doing his usual think before speak act. but part of me is just like – oh yeah.. tht’s sounds right. ugh. basically the premise being this – simon’s call sign might as well be “seeing if there’s chemistry”. it’s what he calls that undefined period of conversation and romance the preempts something known as ‘dating’ or ‘being together’. and he has tried it on with so many it’s not funny – the difficulty being that he always (apparently) takes it too far and the girls fall in love and he is like “whoa… we never said we were dating’ . his intention is as innocent as it can be – it’s jsut that girls and guys are wired differntly. rob thinks that he’s doing this with belinda.. one of our old youth girls. that’s kinda gross. but si being si is like… well you can’t talk to him about it – if there is something going on he’s likely to have said to belinda, let’s jsut keep this between us… etc etc etc..

anyway – it’s none of my business, but after the jenni donovan fiasco (remind me to tell you that one dani) and then the viv saga, i’m kinda gutted that he would be so stupid as to go down that track with another one. chemistry… why is it always about the physical reaction that you get from somebody. ??? it’s so dumb – i’d m,uch rather be in love wiht someone’s mind, and their ability to challenge me and converse with me about teh things important to me than spend my time “seeing if there’s chemistry” in a hot and heavy make-out session. ugh. nevermind. trying not to think about it as it kinda grosses me out.

then went home. didn’t want to go to homegroup. i rang erin on the way home and had a great conversation. looks like bryan is going to meet with simon and hopefully get a little involved along the way somewhere.. i love erin to pieces. i got a thankyou note from her in the mail this morning fro the baby’s ski outfit. hello – i’m going to be auntie tash to a girl!!! woohoo!!!

anyway – went and grabbed some DVD’s (vanilla sky and rockstar), a bottle of red wine and a kebab. the kebab was good, the wine was better.. and a relatively effective cure for the previous night’s insomnia. drank too much. had a shower and went to bed with a numb feeling all over. sometimes life is too much.

WEDNESDAY

yesterday i woke up, still feeling numb, with that soft velvety nothingness taste in my mouth.. a sure sign that last ngihts bottle was a good one. vaguely meandered my way thorugh yesterday – amid emails and phonecalls. went to the prayer meeting and then to a movie. i went alone, the best indulgence of melancholy. to see unfaithful, which was beautifully shot and scripted. richard gere was outstanding and diane lane was convincing. on the way home i cried. for nothing in particular and for lots of things. i jsut felt sad.

i went home and watched buffy because i knew that i would laugh and for sure i did. escapist television. woohoo!~!. anyway – tonight is choir and then i will no doubt return home to my bed and sleep unrestfully until tomorrow. life feels so empty. what am i ever to do>>??

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