hehe jo wants me to write in my journal.
i suppose i could share some deep and meaningfuls.
like the weird dream i had the other night.
or the guy that i kinda get fuzzy about but can’t quite nail it down to a crush.
to how i’m avoiding making any bigwig decisions about my future.
to how come i’m still so desperately in love with the idea of romance.
how i’m secretly terrified that when i do fall in love (in that duplicity kinda way) i’ll be so grateful that someboday loves me back that i’ll never quite make it to nirvana. that i have so many wonderful ideas on how i would like to be romanced that nothing will ever measure up. that i’ll be as demanding of that person as i am of myself and that it’ll drive him away. that i’ll fall too hard and fast again… and never have it reciprocated.
this is what i’ve been thinking. christmas is lonely without love. when the family structure doesn’t fit the mold. when it’s all about traffic logistics and not offending the wrong people than it is about cherishing what you have. christmas is one of the big reasons why i want love. to hide behind it and find sanctuary in it.
i like the idea that one day there might be someone in my life who is selfishly contented spending the day with only me. it’s a concept i can’t get my head around. but i’d love to try it.
just last night riding on haybales in the backof a flatdeck truck, through a drivethru telling of the Christmas story, i thought to myself that some of the magic of christmas is lost on me. it truly is. i thought that i would like to have strong arms around me, and then instantly made the fatal joke to myself… he better be tall so that he can reach. i think i must have perfected the art of brutalising myself and not letting it show. sometimes i reach the point where i am desperate for tears… but i have hidden them so far away from myself that i will be dry-eyed ever more. and then they come at unexpected times. when i lose the strength to contain them. then all the years tears come at once, and flood me.
how lost am i, that i can be so far away from His peace. especially now, when His glorious solution and peace-filled promise is beig celebrated. it’s the great irony of the heavens. how lost am i from the birth that came to set right the balance in my heart. to make the spaces full of burgeoning grace.
this love i have i give. i sometimes worry that if i didn’t i would burst from all the love inside me. there is nothing truly harsh about me, merely a gruff exterior that serves to weather me through times like these.
oh holy night the stars are brightly shining. light my way where i have lost the path, guide me back into your safe dwelling places.
it is the night of our dear Saviour’s birth. herein lies my hope and joy. Glory be to God for he will evermore save me.
long the world in sin and error pining. my heart is answered by your Hope, my sin washed by your grace.
til He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth. worth the death of One True Son, worth all my dreams put down. worth the love of a Saviour and a King.
may i fall on my knees and hear the songs of angels. find all my answers and peace there.