~ the Fruit Frenzy ~

that was last night’s youth group event and it was pretty hilarious. i felt sweaty and smelly by the end of it. kinda watermelon sticky as well. but we had a good time. our kids won. so that was cool . but it’s amazing what you can do with fruit. i am going to use an orange in one of my worship slots this weekend i think. after work i went home. then i played with byron for a while. he truly is the coolest four year old that i know.. he’s jsut choice. i am looking forward to spending more time with him this year.

hehe. i had dinner as well. i forgot to mention that. then off to youth group went i. we ahve a camp this weekend. lots of my girls are coming.. it’s great to feel like i’m bonding with some of them already. that’s really cool. anyway – after cleaning up i photocopied charts etc and hung with rick and heather for a while. i’m feeling kinda down and i think i maybe have an idea why but that’s not it.

went home to bed and watched CSI. nice nice. i love that show. nothig like escaping your own reality for a while. then i had a good quiet time. and went to sleep by about 1am. not tooo bad. but i was running late this morning. i dropped my CD stacker last ngiht and i think it’s stuffed now – so i might have to get someone to take a look at it – didn’t matter so much this morning.. i was listening to talkback anyway. nice nice. paul holmes is wicked. in that his reasoning for being pro-US led attacks on iraq is very sensible. hehe. and so is mike moore. you should listen to him. he was a big important dude at the WTO. i thought that although holmes’ comments regarding france no longer being a world superpower were true and relevant they were also dangerous. but chirac does start to being to sonud like a man out of control – who doesn’t really feel in control of anything and therefore kicks and screams to make sure he is heard.

waht i find so erpellant about the scenario is that here is chirac talking about diplomatic process when it was he who arranged for a 2 day exemption from EU travel bans for mugabe. who is one of the biggest perpetrators of heinous hate crimes in recent times. it’s insane. and all this when libya has jsut been announced head of the UN human rights committee… oh and this is funny …. iraq has been elected the new head of the Disarmament committee. no really. i’ll wait a second for you to stop laughing.

i mean… come on peolpe. i like moby’s ideas. let’s watch lesbians making out on tv.

in more disturbing world events… well i feel anyway .. despite intelligent and well orgainzed lobbying.. surprise surprise, the Prostitues Reform Bill was narrowly passed in the second reading. and very narrowly. if you’ve ever wondered about it what would ahppen if it was made legal … well read here. the arguments are valid. it’s disturbing that we would willingly start down a downward spiralling road of social policy that in fact has the opposite effect. and it makes you realise how little research and education some of our politicians have. it’s all very well for the knowledge wave conference to be in full flight… but will we ever learn>?? it’s amazing to be that we are a notion of developers and inventors. people who change the world and do it well… and yet some of the basics we jsut can’t seem to get our head around.

yet more news… danielle is amazing. i know .. i tell you all the time. but she wrote me this this morning… that jsut made everything better…

“You know… last night on my way home from work, I was just struck by how good a friend you have been to me. You listen to me when I complain, when I gush with goofy hormones, when I cry, when I laugh. It’s just amazing to me. Will I ever get to give you a hug for all that? “Thank God for all the friends he cast in the play he wrote for you.” I loved that line!”

my life is satisfying to know that in all the world i have found one dear and true friend. and she is faithful and beautiful and a treasure.. and she tells me that my love for her makes a difference .. and that is all the romance that i need for now. and her love makes such a difference to me.

in fact – i must have thought i was writing to her.. because i started writing this to simon and i got all deep and meaningful …

“s, jsut wanted to tell you about saturday night

i led worship at sat@seven at windsorpark .. it’s basically an hour of prayer and worship =\ kinda like a festival.. but lots of volume and it’s dark and everyone is kinda free.

i had a confidence that must ahve been all god because i haven’t really led for about 3 years – not the kinda leading where you tell the band what you want.

i know that you think i’m not that gret vocally or at leading or whatever…

but i just wanted to tell you about it because it was wickedly special for me to be able to rock up and tell these guys what i wanted and work with them tight – and then on the night god showed up in such a big way – i was teaching teh vocalists harmonies and encouraging them to follow my lead in times of free worship.. so in the middle of come before we broke it down to drums, and fat guitar chords for teh bass to sit on. and i jsut let the bass player go. he was rocking out but it was worshipful, and then we came back in on the vocals and let loose. it was wicked. on either side of me i could hear these two voices getting lost in god.. and i was looking at the crowd and every single person was engaged. it was wicked. kids kneeling and crying, praying together. it was fully choice and it was fully god.

and i jsut thoguht.. you know this is where it’s at. i spoke about how we encounter jesus in worhsip at the beginning –

and i spoke about what happens when you let god live in your heart, how he starts to change you in the second part

and wrapping talked about the brotherhood and fellowship \ 1 thessalonions 4.. loving one another…

anyway. it cooked because od was there and because i listened and i led people where god was talking us. and i did. and i jsut wanted to say, hey…. look at that. all that time i was sitting there doubting whether or not God could use or would ever use me in taht capacity. hehe

but look.. he did. he was jsut waiting for the perfect timing.

i guess i jsut wanted to tell you about that. i know that thigns are rough with the easter thing. there’s not a thing i wouldn’t do to change it. i so want you to be there… you are my guy that i rely on. anyway.

god is using me. the internship at windsor is all good. we at 120 kids at youth group last ngiht. i’ve bonded with my girls already, and half of them brought friends this week. my small group has grown from like 10 to 18. god is good and he is faithful. i never should’ve doubted him. the only thing i’m a little worried about is that a couple of kids from sccc turned up last ngiht. hmmm.

i don’t know waht you can do.. and i’m probably out of line to ask – but i do beg you to make your peace with shore somehow. even if it’s jsut to acknowledge.. hey i did something wrong and i’m sorry. i know that there is more to it for you, but please… you can make your peace without resolution. i know it, and i’ve been there and done it. even if they don’t make their peace with you – then at least it’s their problem. refute their opinions by your attitude. do the unexpected.

life is very seasonal. and one thing that i know to be true. as much as spring longs to bloom, it cannot if the shadows of winter linger. please cut them free. be the bigger man – act in humility by doing what needs to be done.. and god will guide you out to justice .

you know i love you anyway – no matter what happens at the end of it all with SHore. i’m so mad that jeff presumes to dictate to my camp or team the way it is, but tony needs to work that stuff out and i do trust him to follow God on it. anyway.

i know that you are loving nelson bro, well at least that’s what viv says. me? i think you must be starting to hunger for the city. at least a little bit. think about moving back here, please. i was thinking you should be a postie for a while. but anyway.

i love you. i jsut wanted to share what’s been giong on. all the good stuff as well.

there is lots of bad stuff too. i feel miserable with what is going on at home, i jsut want to rescue byron from it all, and i feel pretty lonely most of the time. so few people that i connect with. that i trust anymore. i hardly trust anyone. and even the people that i shouldn’t, end up being the ones that i pour my heart out to anyway. how weird is that.

i guess it’s old insecurities coming back to haunt me. will i ever have friends that love me jsut for me and will they be people that i can actually stand? hehe that’s cruel. i know. what can i say. i’m trying to make friends, and to be genuine and trusting. but it’s tough. yet i know that god calls us to be part of community so here i go again trying to do that.. jsut to ease in, not force my way.

it’s a bit rough though.

makes me think long and hard about the business of being single. i’ve never held high hopes to begin with, and mostly i jsut don’t think about it, but these days i realise how alone alone can be. and i love my family and friends (carmel is okay – still in a lot of pain by the way)… but i think to myself – that’s a lot more going home alone… it really is about companionship i guess. i find myself thinking all the time, that i am so content.. i really am in love with jesus and it’s a nitty gritty, in the trenches and up to mountain tops kind of love… it fills me up to overflowing mostly… but at the end of the day it’s not even about the intimacy of sex, it’s jsut the intimacy of the heart – of truly being known – i’m jsut longing to put myself completely open on the table and have who i am being truly known and treasured by someone else. .. and then it’s a circle because i know that i am already in that kind of relationship… it’s jsut that jesus doesn’t have arms. and he can’t take you to a movie. or laugh at you when you get all sentimental and philodphic abotu teh stupid things.

once a very long time ago, i thought that i was in love. i was very ignorant back then. but anyway. one night we were coming home from hunua i think.. or maybe it was when we were having breakfast .. anyway – we were out west and he pointed out the moon.. and he showed me the snail… how it sits in there and where the shell was, where the antennae were. you know, i called it the snail moon from there in – later when i was watching moonstruck (you knwo taht old cher/nic cage movie?) and one of the characters referred to this moon that was so bright and full shining in his window that it woke him… he called it cosmo’s moon for various reasons… cosmo was the brother in law..

that snail moon came back the other night. i was lying in bed writing in my hournal and it came back. i saw it through the trees and i saw that snial sitting there. and i thought to myself. i ought to be in love. dobbyn wrote a song about it and it’s exactly how i feel.

everything in my life is good, except this one little thing. and it’s the thing that i most desire here on earth and the thing that i am most afraid of, everywhere i look i see love falling apart. love brings misery.

see? i am a sentimental old thing. sentimental blimp of a thing. my mother says i have a pretty face. i think most people don’t get that far. hmm.

right. this was meant to jsut be short. i only have a week left at work so it’s pretty slow.

right. i’ll repeat the same old things.

i do love you. i miss you. you are always in my prayers. and not the short skimpy ones, but the real hardcore ones.



hehe. so i freaked out and sent it to dani.. who immedaitely wanted to know if HE was the snail guy. no… but i think i’ve spent the last few years looking for him.

it’s been a hard road these last few years. so for now, i leave you with this. all this talk of war and politics. oppression and peace live hand in hand, really. sometmies realism is the best cure. it’s neither optimism or pessimism. it just accepts what is behind and what circumstance dictates cannot be changed and lives with hopeful action for the future.

God’s Promise – Ellis Paul (words by Woody Guthrie)

I didn’t promise you

Skies painted blue

Nor all colored flowers

All your days thru

I didn’t promise you

Sun with no rain

Joys without sorrows

Peace without pain

All that I promise

Is strength for this day

Rest for my worker

And light on your way

I give you truth when you need it

My help from above

Undying friendship

My unfailing love

I never did promise you

Crowns without trials

Food with no hard sweat

Your tears without smiles

Hot sunny days

Without cold wintry snows

No victory without fighting

No laughs without woes

All that I promise

Is strength for this day

Rest for my worker

And light on your way

I give you truth when you need it

My help from above

Undying friendship

My unfailing love

I sure didn’t say I’d give you

Heaven on earth

A life with no labor

No struggles no dearths

No earthquakes no dryspells

No fireflames no droughts

No slaving no hungers

No blizzards no blights

All that I promise

Is strength for this day

Rest for my worker

And light on your way

I give you truth when you need it

My help from above

Undying friendship

My unfailing love

I promise you power

This minute this hour

The power you need

When you fall down to bleed

I give you my peace

And my strength to pull home

My love for all races

All creeds and all kinds

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