There are bound to be some things that I forget. This is my fourth eastercamp. I wonder whether or not there is something that I’ve forgotten in the lead up to camp this year? It’s been so different not being in the office everyday. This is the first year that I’ve ever thought maybe I shouldn’t do next year. But then I think no way. I live for this. If I had something else to live for maybe… but the reality is that I love what God does at this time of year. I’m getting pretty comfortable with the skin that covers the whole thing at the moment. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t be surprised by how the whole thing pans out.

I’m a little uncomfortable with the new boundaries that we are pushing, but as I said to tony a couple of weeks ago, I know that it will be time to quit when I don’t have any new ideas. And sometimes new ideas are a little scary. Sometimes they are a lot scary. But it’s okay to try new things. It’s that I’m too much of a prideful person to enjoy the risk of failure.

I think that a lot of people.. and I’m one of them… cal themselves perfectionists and consequently become non-risk takers… the people who say well if I couldn’t do it right I just wouldn’t feel good about doing it. I think those people (like myself) are actually the ones who are so prideful that it’s the thought of it not working and the embarrassment and the pain of failure that enables them to say no thanks.

It’s not very honest of us, really. So here am I, taking risks with the one thing in life that I have held dearest for these past few years. I’ve had failed band tours etc, but I haven’t yet walked away really feeling as if something of my ownership hadn’t worked at camp. That’s what makes me so precious about it I think. So I am working very hard at trying new things.

Like milkboy. It’s a brave new concept putting together a band and a show just for the sake of it and getting the buy-in factor from the kids. I’m hoping very much that it all works out. Likewise with the drama team.. it’s a big ask for any team to stand up in front of 1800 people and do their thing but I’m confident that it should all be sweet as.

On the personal level… I’m feeling pretty tired but pretty good = the lead up to camp is going really well. And on a personal level I’m feeling confident. Of course that fact that I got my computer today is a really big deal. That makes a huge difference, I feel like I can operate now which is fantastic. And I like the feeling of knowing that I can get on the internet and talk to Danielle at any time now, and check my email whenever I like, even when the system at church is down.

I had a supervision meeting with heather today and that was good… she asked good questions that I had to think about and gave good feedback in terms of what she was observing from me and about me. All of it was really useful and so I was pleased to take the time to do it.

I’m disturbingly negative though and so I am having to constantly watch myself that I don’t mislead myself with what people say and therefore respond inappropriately.

Right. Things will get back on an even keel with the whole positive-negative thing though… as soon as I realise internally that this is a good thing and that God isn’t about to come in and take it all away. But maybe that is the underlying trust issue at the moment…

I suppose I could start talking about the trust issues and the general mood of my relationship at the moment … but it feels like an unproductive process at the moment. I’ve been swinging from highs to lows daily and sometimes hourly. It’s not the result of any mood stimuli so far as I can tell. I’ve gone without coffee and I’ve had it and it’s made no difference.

I’m sitting in the car outside frances’ house. We are meant to be gathering the girls tonight for a bit and I think we will get dinner or something. Then I have 400 leaders booklets to photocopy but I have to finish the text first. So I will be working on that.

But I’m sitting outside in the car cos frances isn’t home yet and I’m listening to chris isaak. ‘…but I’ve changed everything since I’ve met you’. I like that. I like his slow country rock. And his mellow perspective on even the most heated of human issues.

What I have missed in the past 7 weeks of being offline has been the lack of material. I have become so used to reading and devouring so much information that without it my thoughts seem to simply go in circles around and around the same facts.

My friend glen and jeremy have started this thing called ‘real’. It’s basically for 20+ and it has no set format or structure – simply an opportunity for people to share themselves of their songs or their ideas or anything really.

Last night milkboy debuted there. It was pretty cool really. I thought that the boys did pretty well and it’ll sound heaps better once they have foldback and can hear one another. Then aaron (bass) shared some stuff about his experience of god’s discipline. And then Jeremy (white) shared some stuff about where his life is at and what he has realized about fruitless busyness. It was pretty cool…. Jeremy shared exceptionally well and I was really impresses. I said to him last week (or maybe this week) on the phone that I can totally see him having a bright bright future in ministry circles. I get really excited about seeing people who are obviously gifted starting to be more inspired by the things that really count than they are with the stupd world stuff.

It’ll be really interesting to see what happens with glen. He is doing Old Testament with me and is very very gifted. He’s wicked to hang out with and God is doing and has done some cool as stuff in his life. But as heather said…. I wonder if that boy has a call on his life. I’m excited to see what might happen with some of the people that I’m with at Windsor. I think that frances is amazing and she is totally inspiring to me… I can’t wait to see what God does with her talent and her commitment. She’s a total role model.

So I have a whole bunch of stuff to do this weekend. It’s mostly camp orientated stuff. And tonight it looks like we are off to dinner at the pierces. Just for a change – but hopefully it should be cool.

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