received … “I think the stillness is where we can best listen to each others hearts.”

sent…“I went to see my Grandfather.”

.. . he is dying i think. he is very much older now that the last time i saw him, and mostly since he went into hospital. they don’t know yet for certain what it wrong with him, but he is pretty convinced that it’s cancer. i took my sister with me. she hasn’t been to see him for two and a half years. i think that if i was my grandfather i would be full of regrets, and i think that he is so full of pride that he won’t allow himself to rectify any of those regrets while he is still able. and that is frightening. i wish to be neither full of safety and security, nor full of pride… if there is not the risk of failure, or a bumpy landing.. then how can there be the chance of truly great adventure, or joy… or the chance to soar through boundaries of the human experience? i don’t know how to talk to my grandfather about god. that is frustrating. i have a small newtestament, leatherbound with a zip.. truly pocketsize that my grandmother gave to my grandfather in 1939… before they were married i think.. and there are passages underlined in his handwriting. jsut a few small phrases, but enough to make me think that there is at least familiarity. i guess that why i’m thinking about once saved, always saved… i’m hoping that it counts, so as to avoid impending guilt if i don’t talk to him. who else will? who else would? who am i if not Christ to those that i love? but in truth… i may be at bible college and i may be a church intern.. but i am stretched for faith when it comes to the seemingly impossiblity of the situation. and terrified of response. not sure what to do or how to do it. i feel a little useless in the whole endeavour. …

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