Stupid
Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that youre no good for me
but youre the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
an oasis that dries up as soon as youre gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

Everything changes everything falls apart
I cant stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

Drifting
Youve been gone for so long all that you know
Has been shuffled aside as you bask in the glow
of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name
do they fill up the emptiness

Larger than life is your fiction in a universe made up of one

cause you have been drifting for so long
I know you dont want to come down
But somewhere below you theres people who love you
and theyre waiting for you to come home please come home

You walk in a room and the world stops to stare
You mesmerize all who are caught in the glare
of the spotlight that follows wherever you go
does it light up the emptiness

Larger than life is your fiction in a universe made up of one

Like So Many Friends We’ve Lost Along The Way
I’m listening to Afterglow by Sarah McLachlan and loving it. Lyrically and musically she’s interesting, creative, traditional.. it feels like coming home to put her cd in and hear the rise and fall of her silver voice.

Some of these lyrics sit in my head for days at a time until I excise them with writing a letter or an unsent email to whoever it is they remind me of. So many friends we’ve lost along the way – I had coffee with Tim this week and we were speaking of his cousin, who I knew about 10 years ago.. he’s now on a very different path from the one he used to know. And thinking about so many people who are heading overseas.. wondering if this is the junction in the road where we go in seperate ways, knowing that emphatically things can never be the same?

Youve been gone for so long all that you know
Has been shuffled aside as you bask in the glow
of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name

It’s with unspeakable delight that you bid goodbye to some, because you know that their life was always hidden away in the clouds over some foreign country.. like those who go to Africa, and Nepal, China and Thailand. Those who never really made a home here, but have always lived in the Otherlands. Those we send off with warm farewells because we know that they are about to become. But then there are those are leaving because it seems the next best thing to do.

It’s with unspeakable joy that some decide to stay. It warms the heart to know that the next chapter will be spent in their presence, because secretly, in the depths of my heart, I know that without them, nothing would be the same. Not only would nothing be the same, but everything would have a sense of aching emptiness. What delight, to know that some are choosing to make this home, whilst so many adored whanau are drifting to further shores.

It’s with secret inner smiles that my heart leaps and feels a flutter of life within it. After all, a shepherd and a priest both require a flock – those who desire to be loved, those who are looking for home. Searching for a meaningful existence in the place where they are, rather than leaving the emptiness behind them to feel it in another language.

Underground Church
Part of my renewal is in the Underground Church service we had on Sunday. Just by email and text, we spread the word to as many as we could, that we were gathering for unstructured, simple, basic Church. It was good. The cafe was full, the prayers were honest.. the leadership was earthed and unexpected. The mood was anticipatory. The flavour was real and honestly – just who we were. It was an 8pm service, and the sky glowed behind us through the windows as the Eastern skies bowed to the departing sun. It was perfect and peaceful and calm. I would have been proud for any stranger to come in and feel the sense of home that was present.

Funnily enough, no one has rushed to take credit for it, in fact those who were part of it, have gladly shrugged their shoulders, and that makes me glad as well.. because no one seems to feel as if they owned it more than any other, and yet we owned it more than usual. What does that say about our usual gatherings, or our habits of meeting together? This Sunday is our first ‘real’ service, and yet it feels like community for the year is already softening and rubbing together. All with only a little unseen push from the ‘driving forces’.

Imminence
Marko writes on the passing of a dear friend. He writes, beautifully, what may well become an epitaph for the year.

“the imminence of god was clear when you were with us. “

I do not know how long my season in this graduated-intern, unemployed-Windsor-volunteer, committed-Eastercamp-worker role will be, but I hope at the end of it, that would be true of my time here. Be faithful and present, God.

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