Pull Me Apart
You betray me with a kiss, a thought, a fear
and it rises from inside me, everything resting on
your whim and will, I live on the edge
of a dream, folding, rising and it could break
turn to me with hidden eyes, secrets I could keep
you betray me with a kiss but I resist
I will believe the best of you

Vision Banquet
Tonight was the Annual General Meeting of Windsor Park. It’s called the Vision Banquet. Felt pretty gutted that there was barely a turnout of 15 young adults to the night, and about the same number of youth. Seemed even worse when few of the young adults (bar two) stuck around to help clean up, when everyone else did. Seems like for the generation that talks about wanting community, wanting more interaction and input from the older generation, wanting to have responsibility and ownership – that there are some fairly crucial pieces missing from the necessary equation. It’s not a personal thing, except when it gets personal. It’s personal when the whole table leaves, going to a cafe and inviting you to join them when you’re finished packing up. And let’s be clear – there was actually no expectation for me to clean up – many of the other staff had left and gone home fairly rapidly – youth staff included. But I choose to because it demonstrates something about my contribution and value on the community. I’m just disappointed. However, reading these notes of Marko’s was helpful.. and I think that perhaps there are broader implications into tonight’s situation. As well as there needing to be some growing up.

I probably sound overly harsh, but I feel so gutted. Thankfully my young people (also about 10 in number) stayed freely and easily to help pack up = they have a different mindset – also illuminated slightly by Marko’s notes from Scott McKnight – when it comes to seeing the difference between ‘doing’ and ‘being’ and ‘missional’.

I spent the morning with Liz, beautiful, radiant, talented Liz who is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of knowing. What she has been through in the past 8 weeks is her story to tell (and I have every intention of ensuring that she does, when the time is right) .. but today I can share some special moments of our time together.

I went over to catch up and take some photos of the kids. She and Jeff and the kids are moving to Welcome Bay, Tauranga in 2 weeks. It’s a big scary change in a climate of intensity that many wouldn’t weather. It was also the first time that we could properly talk (or rather listen) to her story.

It was unbelievable the grace with which she was able to share it, some written down – the moments of labour and preparation that led to discovering Sam had died. A full and detailed account of the labour and birth, and the days that followed. The funeral addresses – reading them again was equally moving, even though I was there. Looking at the photos of the burial. Listening to the deep God conversations that have been going on for Liz and family and Stu. After listening to the murmurings on the edges of that conversation, it was good to center it, on Liz, whom I love and trust and weep for. She read parts of her journal, and talked about the weight of grief, the processing of it. She’s launched into it with a determination and pragmatism that could only come from Liz. And in the midst of it, her heart is still true, and faith buries it’s roots deeper. Peace takes on new depth and works it’s way out in every pore. Even now, the sadness and weight in her eyes is lightened at the corners.

I managed to bust out a very shaky and nervous rendition of her song. I was so nervous. I’ve always been so aware of my inadequacies when it comes to musicality, my vocals and gat-playing. Especially when in the context of the Squire/Tamblyn family – as a teenager playing with these guys, I was so average in comparison. So I’ve carried that for a long time. Still have it. It still burns. One time, Liz said “you’re good at what you do, but you couldn’t record an album.” It’s honesty, and it’s good, but I’ve carried it for a long time – she probably doesn’t even remember. But anyway – now at 26, seems foolish to still be weighed down by it.. but then look at the folks around me .. I am average. It’s relative, but I’m average. Even those around me who haven’t realised the full scope of their ability, throw me back into the shadows of doubt. I shook and trembled through it – however, Liz was ‘listening to the sentiment behind it’ and even was gracious enough to ask for another rendition sometime. Maybe.. I still hold that she is amazingly talented and I miss playing and singing with her.

Song Of The Moment : An Oldie, But A Goodie
Full Of Grace
Sarah McLachlan

The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

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